The people who are most close to me would say I’m not very good at expressing my feelings which maybe in some part is true. I don’t really like to talk about myself and most of the time I’m happier discussing others, which is why I’m not very expressive at times.
But that’s not the point. The point is, a big reason why I don’t talk much about my feelings or “open up” about my personal life, is because I don’t want the person’s opinion that I’m talking to.
I don’t want to hear their opinion on what I’m doing, what is going on in my life, what they think I should be doing, etc.
Now I can hear you thinking, “Just don’t listen to their opinions, it only matters what your opinion is of yourself!”
Do you know hard it is to ignore the opinion of someone who you care about a lot or who you are super close to? It’s almost impossible. Sure, some person that I don’t know or don’t care about, it is super easy to blow them off. But a family member or a best friend? I can’t just blow their opinions off, because their opinions actually matter to me. Which is why I may seem so closed off at times.
I’m terrified of opening myself up to other people’s opinions and hearing them judge, critique, and scrutinize my life, my decisions, and my choices. I don’t want to feel like I am letting any of my close family and friends down, and that’s all I feel like I’ve been doing. What I have been doing is what is best for me, and it just feels like no one else sees that. Instead, they see what I’m doing as different, and something I shouldn’t be doing because it’s not “normal”.
This is kind of going back to my expectations post. The expectations of those around me feel like they are crushing me. Which I’m ashamed to admit, is why I’ve stopped telling some of the closest people in my life what is going on in my life. Because I can’t take one more dramatic sigh, and then opinion of what I should be doing or what they expected me to do.
That is actually the last thing I need right now. What’s a girl got to do to get a little support around here huh?
I’ll be honest. I wrote this post about 3 weeks ago when I was particularly struggling with everyone’s opinions of me and am now getting the courage to post this. This post isn’t meant to be like a poor me, please pity me post. It was simply to get some thoughts off of my chest and it feels nice to talk (type?) it all out.
Thanks for listening (reading?) haha you know what I’m trying to say.
Have a great day.